Half Life 3: The Crack Fiction
by Ch1z1ta
Summary: Making up everything on the spot, Colin "Chizita" Vovolvohe creates the worst piece of crack fiction that he can manage. I mean, it's so cracked that the Half-Life Universe is disintegrating. That was a metaphor though. The fact that the universe is disintegrating is not, and WILL not be a major plot point in any way. In fact, nothing in the story is.
1. Chapter 1: The ending to Episode 3

Half Life 3: The Crack Fiction

Chapter 1: The End of Episode 3

"Oh nooo Alyx you're dead! Actually no I don't care. Gina Cross is totally hotter." said Gordon Freeman, as he watched Alyx Vance die by having her spinal fluid slurped out by a giant flying potato with a tongue. That potato may or may not have been Wallace Breen. Who cares, all the advisors look the same anyway so who the shit cares if Breen is one of them. Gordon couldn't kill the Advisor because he was trapped by the Advisor's psychic powers. "For the love of sweet dillyfuck, how the hell am I supposed to kill you without using a massive plot contrivance?" asked Gordon. The advisor couldn't reply because it was a giant potato alien and could not speak. Well, at least not English, and no meaningful dialogue would have occurred anyway, because there's no way in hell the Advisor would have told him its one true weakness. But Gordon knew its one weakness anyway, because fuck any semblance of logical, coherent plot, this fanfic is more crack than a coke addict's nostrils.

**Earlier:**

"Hey Vortigaunt" said Gordon to a random Vortigaunt (Who else would it have been, given whom he was addressing? Sheckley? Pfffft) "I just want to apologise about the whole genocide thing back in Black Mesa. We cool?" "Aw, hell yeah bro!" said one of the Vortigaunts out-of-characterly "Dat Nihilanth bitch be controllin' our asses anyway that day". Gordon facepalmed. "Why, in the name of sweet FUCK are you talking like that?" "Sorry," said the Vortigaunt "I thought it would be funny. And by "I" I mean "the Author"" . "Well, it wasn't," said Gordon "being random is not a very good way of making jokes". The Vortigaunt glared at him for his hypocrisy, because being unpredictable is where this fanfic draws most of its humour from, aside from self-deprecation. "Hey," said Gordon, restarting the conversation on a line of topic that conveniently furthers the plot "can you see the future? Because that would really come in handy if you could." "In canon, no. In fact, if we were clairvoyant, then we would have completely avoided like, a kajillion problems throughout the game. But just for this story, shit, let's see the future." The Vortigaunt went all purple and glowy and shit. Gordon wondered if he was tripping or something. "Okay, I'm done. To kill the Advisor at the end of the game you have to combine your crowbar and the super-gravity gun together to make a crowbar that makes physics just die". "Cool," said Gordon "that's why I became a theoretical physicist in the first place. To kick physics in the dick and take its wallet." He combined them. The crowbar made physics just die.

Present:

Gordon hit the Advisor with the crowbar and it died. The Gman showed up because apparently, the character is such a big hit with the fans that he has to do a 5-minute fucking monologue explaining absolutely jack shit. Although, I will admit, that line where he says "So wake up, Mr. Freeman. Wake up and… smell the ashes…" at the start of Half Life 2 was just fucking chilling. I mean, that line basically sums up the entirety of Half-Life 2. Then you're like, on the train, and things are like… Wait, it's normal, right? Then as the next 2 chapters progress, you're like… oh fuck no, how did this happen? Then throughout the course of the game, jack shit is explained to you so you have to figure out the entire backstory based on speculation on the internet. But I digress. Really, I digressed so much that digression itself became embodied in human form. Her name was Stephanie Reese-Taylor. The Gman talked a whole lot at Gordon, and Gordon didn't give a fuck, because he was making a long winded monologue which only served to be a conclusion to the entire "Unforeseen Consequences" plot arc. Instead of sticking around, Gordon decided to walk around the Borealis, while the Gman lamented the loss of Alyx (who I'll admit, has a nice ass, but Gina Cross totally hotter. Whoa, mama.).

Later:

Gordon has searched every inch of the ship's cargo for anything that could be remotely useful in the fight against the Combine. His search was completely fruitless, and the entire mission was just a complete waste of time. The Gman was still talking to nobody in particular. He appeared to finish his monologue, then left, with Gordon still on the boat. Man, I'm not even going to make fun of how completely ridiculous this is, I'm too tired, and I've used up far too many jokes. Gordon walked into the boat's control room. The power was off. He needed to solve a physics puzzle to turn it on. Fortunately, it proved no big tax on his MIT educated brain, because even a toddler could solve this shit. Of course, a toddler _wouldn't_ solve this shit because the little cretins would rather play their Calls of Dutys, or their Halos instead of this cornerstone of modern gaming, but no. Let a little **plot **get in the way of gameplay, and it's all "Man this shit blows, I'm not even killing any Houndsquids or HECU Combines or whatever. A jumping puzzle? Fuck this game, I don't want to play something that requires skill!" I am certain that is what COD Kiddies think. I am a genius when it comes to the psychology of people. That is why I am so good at characterizing people. Look at the subtle complexities of my interpretation of Alyx, for example. That is a thing of beauty.

Gordon had absolutely no clue how to operate he Borealis. He gazed vacantly at the vast array of controls, which, you have got to admit, had a high attention to graphical detail. He just decided to press the biggest, reddest button he could find. It was big and red so it would stand out from the rest of the controls, so that you would know what button you had to press to cause the plot to go forward. The entire ship teleported to Aperture Science's Dry-dock. Gordon got off the ship, then it teleported away again, so that there would be continuity with Portal 2. Then Gordon walked around, and shot the enemies, which were Mantis-Men, until he got to the human storage vault. He went in and got into one of the human preservation tanks, because the game railroaded him into this situation. I bet that if he weren't forced to, he would have ditched out on the Black Mesa staff as soon as he got to he surface. But yeah, I just came up with that bit as an excuse for the plotline I have in mind to work. By which I mean making shit up on the spot.


	2. Chapter 2: P3 Beginning, BS2 Beginning

HL3TCF C2: Half Life 3 Beginning, Blue Shift 2 Beginning.

Chell found the world outside of Aperture was every bit as rubbish as she thought it wouldn't be. For a start, wheat fields were boring. Just like Wheatley. That tedious bumbling oaf thought that he was so funny. "Oh you have brain damage haha that was a funny joke I made wasn't it?" Every grain that she stood on made her imagine that they were Wheatley, and her feet were pneumatic spike plates, pulverizing that little British shit. She spent 10 minutes pretending this, running around in circles like a complete idiot, destroying some farmer's source of income. She realized what she was doing was stupis and started walking in any direction to hope to find a township or something. Suddenly a train, and Chell was rather startled by it. "What the fuck just happened!?" yelled a voice from the train. "I was going to ask the same question" replied Chell. Holy shit she just talked. This is new guys, we gotta record this moment for posterity. A man wearing a Civil Protection suit came out. It was… Barney Calhoun! OMFS! Shocking relvatwist! Except Chell didn't know who he was, so she didn't make a huge fucking palaver about it like I just did.

Barney then explained to her that in Half Life 2: Episode 1, when his train left the station, it was sucked into the folds of space and time, moving in impossible directions, like "slantways" and "North-Right". The universe collapsed and expanded 50 times in the course of a second, and the rebels spent an infinite amount of time on that train, that they only perceived as 2 months. Within those 2 months, the rebels resorted to cannibalism, and Barney was the only survivor. When those 2 months were over, the mists of Sourceenginespace spat him out of nowhere, right next to Chell. Her own story paled in comparison to this, and was nowhere near as interesting, but Barney was supportive and reckoned that her story was cool anyway, and at least didn't involve being stuck in a Harmonic Reflux, an event comparable to being at a LAN Party where every monitor, keyboard and mouse was smeared with Cheetos residue, and Barney was simultaneously all the people attending it at once. Especially the fat neckbearded guys. Barney shuddered at the memory.

Soon they finally approached a town, but the people living there were not normal people. They were telekinetic bird-people. "What the shit" said Chell and Barney, simultaneously. All of the Portal fans cringed when they saw the words "Said" and "Chell" next to each other. A Bird-Person flew over to the two of them. "You guys look a little lost!" he said, "And also like you missed a couple of stages of evolution!" "What…" said Barney. "Well you see," said the Bird-Person "after Gordon Freeman disappeared, the human race suddenly realized that _they_ had the power to defeat the Combine all along, they only had to believe in themselves! So they beat the Combine and the Earth was free." Chell and Barney stared in abject confusion. "Then, after [9999999] the human race evolved into telepathic birds! Cool, isn't it!" They walked towards the centre of the town where there was a large gold statue, with a plaque at the bottom that said: "Gordon Freeman Saver of Humans". The statue depicted a bird person with a HEV Suit, a crowbar, glasses, and the most badass fucking beard of all time. "But wait, isn't Gordon human?" enquired Barney "I even worked with him for Christ's sakes!" "And didn't you guys save yourselves from the Combine?" asked Chell. "Well, obviously, Gordon Freeman _inspired_ us to believe," said the bird-person patronizingly to Chell "and the statue is birdified so that newer generations can identify with him". I bet those newer generations are people play COD at the age of 9. Go play something appropriate for your age, kids. Don't play violent video games so early on in life, otherwise current affairs programs on TV will do some stupid piece on how "Video Games are Destroying our Children's Youth" and display a complete lack of knowledge on the subject.

Don't worry; it's _not actually_ your fault. It's _adults_ who don't understand that video games are fun, and Soccer is a boring ass piece of shit game that nobody likes and why the hell would you want to play it. You know who likes soccer? Adults. Do you know who gets into soccer riots? Adults. Adults are the problem. Kill them all. Kill them aaaaalll! Well, I _would_ tell you to do so, but then the current affairs programs will use that as evidence that "Video Games are Corrupting our Children's Youth". Seriously, every time there's a mass murderer on TV, for example, Anders Breivik, they always seem to put in the fact that they played video games, insinuating to watchers that "it was video games that made him do it. He learnt all of his skills as a merciless killer by pressing some buttons and waving around a mouse or joystick, which although not a comparable experience to actually shooting stuff in real life, it must be the cause. It was video games fault, and we must burn them all." Then all video games would be outlawed, meaning that Episode 3 will never be made, and all children would have for entertainment is playing with sticks in the middle of suburban footpaths. Or god forbid, Soccer. But I digress. Wow, that was an even worse digression than before. Sorry guys.

Suddenly, the Combine attacked the Earth again. "Hahaha! We're taking over your world, and you can't stop us!" "Oh yes we can!" said the bird person "We only had to believe in ourselves to stop you!" "Oh, man that's so gay. What the hell is that kind of power anyway? That's gayer than Heart, that's how GAY it is." Captain Planet fans didn't laugh at the joke to Heart being a sucky power because the joke has been done to death. What the hell was I thinking when I wrote that, really? Probably stoned out on catnip or something. The bird-people, disheartened by being called gay, promptly gave up and the planet was enslaved again. "Chell," said the bird person, to which Chell responded with a quiet question on how the fuck did you know my name I didn't even tell you it. "You are actually Gordon Freeman's sister, and you must wear the HEV Suit to save the world." Every fan of the Half Life Universe simultaneously screamed to the skies "What the fuck!? That's retarded!" whilst promptly forgetting that deep down, they had actually entertained the notion that they might be related in some way. Come on, all of you guys have. Don't pretend you didn't guy who thought they may have been in a relationship, or the chick who reckoned Chell might be Gordon's daughter. We are not so different you and I. We're the same! We're _all_ the same! Don't pretend it's not true, because it's correct! BWAAAAAAAAHAAHAAAHAHAHAHAAAA A! AHAHAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAH! WAHAAAHAHAAHAAA!


	3. Chapter 3: HL3 Beginning, OF2 Beginning

HL3: Begin. OF2: Begin

**Author's note: Feedback and review would be appreciable. I want to know if I'm doing this right or not, and whether what I'm doing is a bad thing or not.**

Most Portal fanfictions begin with whatever character the point of view is of (usually Chell, or an OC), waking up in the relaxation vault, while GLaDOS' opening monologue from the start of the game is copy-pasted, while the character goes "Huh? Where am I? This is confusing. What is going on? I don't understand" like they're the damned Curiosity core or something, and the entirety of the first chapter consists of them dealing with this confusion for ages and ages, as the internal monologue carries on and on, and finally, after reading for eternity, the main character enters the first elevator.

Don't worry! I'm not going to do that.

I'm doing the cooperative campaign.

_Hello, and again,welcome to the Aperture Science Computer Aided Enrichment Centre._

_Today you will be testing with a partner._

Gordon looked at the guy in the tube next to him. He had a Jew-fro and was wearing a bright orange jumpsuit. Shut up, my headcanon for Shephard is that he has a Jew-fro. It's no dumber than the general consensus headcanon for Human!Wheatley. Seriously, people lack the imagination for what he would look like in real life so badly, that he looks like THE GUY WHO FUCKING VOICE ACTED HIM. GOD-DAMN, THE PORTAL FANBASE'S IMAGINATION IS SO FUCKING SHITTY.

_Please wave to your partner._

Adrian Shephard waved at the guy with glasses and the best fucking beard in the history of humanity, wearing a pale blue jumpsuit, because I was getting sick of that guy always wearing orange. It's a disgrace. It doesn't match his eyes well at all, for starters. Gordon waved back. Before they could exchange pleasantries, the aperture of the Diversity Vent opened beneath them, dropping them a short distance, for no reason other to make us feel that we aren't being cooped up in a shitty cramped tube.

_The upcoming tests require you to work together as a team._

_To facilitate collaboration, both of you have been equipped with a Ping tool._

Neither Gordon nor Adrian knew what the hell a Ping tool was.

_Blue, please use your ping tool to select your favourite animal._

9 blue panels bearing the silhouettes of animals appeared before them.

Gordon did not know what the scary robot voice was on about, and just pointed at the picture of a porcupine, because they're kind of an alright animal, and that way, he wouldn't come off as a douche-bag if he chose the wolf, which he liked a little more. Suddenly, a laser shot out of his hand and marked the porcupine. Gordon screamed "holy shit" and fell over in shock. He just shot a LASER out of his ARM!

_Good._

_Orange, please observe your partner's favourite animal._

For the rest of the entire story, Shephard never forgot what animal Gordon chose. It proved absolutely no use whatsoever, and GLaDOS' prompt to memorise it was, by and large, pointless. This isn't foreshadowing guys, it really is pointless.

They fell yet again down to a set of orange panels with 9 elements of the periodic table on them. Why the panels couldn't have been on the opposite wall to the animals is not entirely clear to me. Maybe GlaDOS was trying to make the most of the space, which she didn't have to, since the entire facility is completely reconfigurable.

_Orange, please use your ping tool to select your favourite element from the Periodic Table._

Meaning to select "Gold", Adrian got Ag confused with Au, because who fucking cares what you learned in high school chem. Plus when you're in the army, the only element you need to know there is, is Pb.

_Really? Okay._

_Blue, please observe your partner's… interesting choice._

Gordon also memorised that Adrian chose Au, and this also failed to prove useful at all, not even in a little mini-test at the end of the calibration course that makes memorisation necessary, and helps you bond with your partner. Seriously Valve, what is the _point_?

_Your ping tool can also be used to indicate to your partner where you would like them to place their portal._

_For the sake of this test, I will pretend to be your partner._

_Using your Ping tool, please indicate where you would like me to place your two portals. Ping each location._

Both Blue and Orange had doubts about this. For Blue, portals meant aliens teleporting from other worlds, and running over the countryside preventing a transmission from being sent. For Orange, it also meant aliens teleporting from other worlds, and a huge gun that shoots portals, which was pretty cool, but there's no way in hell he's ever doing that again. They shot lasers at the portalable surfaces and rings of purple and yellow fire appeared in their presence. They jumped through and got the portal guns. Gordon flipped his shit because holy fuck, Aperture could create portals without using up shit-tons of energy, and huge massive machinery that may cause the universe to collapse. But instead of its more successful rival, Aperture managed to create portals using a much smaller device, about the size of a Vuvuzela.

_Each portal gun may create two self-contained portals._

Gordon continued to flip his shit

They approached two buttons. One was for opening a door for Adrian, the other for Gordon. Gordon stepped onto the button.

_Calibrating Blue's weight…_

Gordon began to feel slightly self-conscious, but then realised he had run around a city for 4 days without pause to eat or sleep or poop. And before that, 2 days running around Black Mesa, with the only nourishment of the soft drinks he had raided from the vending machines. Going through the door, Adrian stepped on his 1500 Megawatt Supercolliding Superbutton to let Gordon through.

_Calibrating Orange's weight…_

Adrian Shephard did not feel self conscious either, being a trained member of an elite squad of marines (I know they actually are complete idiots because of retard AI coding, but just play along) and not had anything to eat since the helicopter crashed. Gordon walked through his door.

_Oh, that's interesting. Did you know that one or both of you has a weight variance that is either below, or above the norm for your age group?_

They both felt self conscious at that point.

After doing pointless exercises, whilst being condescendingly guided like a child by GLaDOS's instructive (let me take a moment for that to sink in) comments instead of the passive aggressive humour that we actually like from GLaDOS, a bridge erected itself between them and the exit door.

_Finally. I had almost given up hope of testing ever again. _

Confetti fell from the ceiling, and brightened up Adrian and Gordon's day considerably.

_You are the first humans to pass the calibration course. Actually, I lied. There are 5000 other two-subject teams in direct competition with you. And I don't want to worry you, but you two are seriously lagging behind._

They walked through the exit door, high-fiving. At this, GLaDOS made a noise like she was trying not to tell them how stupid high-fives are in some threatening way. "So, uh hey" said Adrian "I'm Adrian Shephard. What about you?" "Oh, um, hey, I'm Gordon Freeman. Good to meet you!" Upon the realisation that this was the guy who had killed half of HECU at Black mesa, Adrian pinged Gordon in the face, blinding the bespectacled git in the left eye temporarily. "Fuck! What was that for!?" Adrian kicked him in the stomach and pushed him into the blue elevator, and then stood in his own. The apertures in the elevators opened and they were plunged into the hub. GLaDOS figured that these two would not even make it out of the testing hub alive if they kept this up.


	4. Chapter 4: P3 Middle1, BS Middle1

Chapter 4: P3 Mid1, BS2 Mid1

**Sorry that took so long. I had like all this exam stuff, then a week-long hike, then I had a terrible case of writer's block, since I wanted the plot to move along, but not just move it from point to point where I act like a butthurt asshole whining about how "fun gameplay" =/= "realism", instead of actually having funny events or dialogue happening. Unfortunately, that will show up often in the chapter, and hopefully you can forgive me for that.**

"We have to find the Borealis, it's the only way we can stop it from happening!" Barney and Chell had no idea what the Bird-Person just said, because they haven't actually heard about the Borealis in any sort of meaningful way that could be construed as important to the saving of humanity. "Explain," said Chell, "what that even means". "It's an Aperture Science icebreaking research ship that has mysterious properties that only Gordon Freeman and Alyx Vance know of. And that knowledge disappeared when they disappeared with the vessel. We still believe it can defeat the Combine, even though they didn't even use it to defeat the Combine. Whatever, we still need an objective to get to in the game, and the Borealis will be our MacGuffin". "Wasn't having no discernible objective what made the first game so loved?" replied Barney "The feeling that you were getting nowhere? That all your efforts to the surface only accumulated in going back down? What about City 17? You spend half the game running around the countryside only to end back up where you started! Having a clear objective just ruins it!" Chell scowled at both of them for being far too Meta, which is a privilege reserved only for being the narrator. "But, conveniently," continued the Bird-Person "we have only just figured out where the Borealis is now; in an unspecified jungle", because we haven't done a jungle level yet, and we need to showcase the Source 2 Engine in a pretty environment to look at. So they went.

Right from the get-go, Chell and Barney were given all of the weapons in the game, instead of being given like, just a crowbar at the start, when a whole bunch of guys are searching to kill you; "Here, Gordon, you dropped this back at Black Mesa!" "Oh, thanks Barney! It's not like I'm suddenly up against the entire police force of a Totalitarian state or anything! Gee, thanks a lot! Clearly I don't need _guns_, that would be ridiculous, you smug, pathetic _asshole_". But Chell never had this experience, and completely undervalued the significance of how much this makes life easier for her. And thus the adventure began, after about 2 chapters of pacified world-building, where you see the Gman disappear into an alleyway 5 or 6 times.

After about 20 chapters of repetitive driving levels (the car is a Ferrari this time! It handles and controls exactly like the Jeep and Pontifax, but it looks different, so it's clearly completely new and original gameplay guys!), all of them bordering on obscene length, Chell and Barney were thankfully finally blocked off by a wooden fence, and they could get out. Oh yeah, and the bird-person came with them too, as a sidekick who doesn't do any damage whatsoever, despite looking like they're firing weapons at the bad guys. Not that he was even needed, since the game is Co-op. He was just coming along with them because I needed a reason to whine about useless sidekicks in video games.

By the time I finished my self entitled kvetching, Barney, Chell and the Bird-Person had arrived at the Borealis, where we find that Bullsquids and Houndeyes have become resident to it, since we _need_ to bring back those cool, original enemies, instead of just generically replacing them all with Antlions, which are practically the Mary-Sue Self-Insert of Half Life 2. Suddenly, THE COMBINE ARRIVED OH MY GOD, a twist surprising to nobody. "Humans, you have already failed!" announced the Combine using some nebulous speaker system. "We have you completely surrounded, and we have like, 10 Advisors, and 200 soldiers and stuff. But I reckon we can send them all out to kill you as a progressively difficult Wave system, allowing you to get better battle tactics for the area as you go along, with a cool-down time in between each attack to restock your ammunition and health! I can't see how this plan can _possibly_ fail!"

As you would have come to expect: easily. There are still 5 more chapters to go after this one anyway, so that you maybe would have put it together that maybe now is not exactly the right time to start killing off characters. "Don't you dare go anywhere!" shouted the Combine "We're going to come back in roughly the amount of time it takes you to go through a generic series of hallways with MINOR ENEMIES and maybe a short PHYSICS PUZZLE! AHAHAHAAHAHAAAA! And by the time we're back you'll be in a different enough scene so that the Combine Wave Formation Strategy™ DOESN'T FEEL OVERUSED! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" seriously where are those speakers coming from. I don't see any.

And go through a generic series of hallways with minor enemies, and solve a physics puzzle they did. They made it to the control room, where the big, obvious "win the level" button was. But it wouldn't work…

…On the player's second playthrough of the game, they enabled the developer commentary to hear the Valve staff's insightful commentary on the production of the game, which usually always boils down to "we kept beta testing until players found the level fun to play". This particular diatribe was placed next to 3 other commentary bubbles, meaning the player had to loiter boredly for 15 minutes until they'd listened to all the commentary.

"When we designed this area, we thought we could come up with a new and interesting way of fighting the same-old formula of shooting Combine until they stop, and so we came up with the totally original idea of having to refill a generator by bringing gas cans scattered around the map to it. Wait, no, we did that exact same thing in Left 4 Dead. Well, everyone liked Left 4 Dead, so we just copied it. Look, yes, we know that the gas-can scavenge is _also_ reminiscent of Episode 1's escort mission through the train station. I don't care. Basically, every game we've ever created is awesome, so if we take enough assets from the previous one, we can make the game good based entirely on nostalgia alone. Don't believe me? Look at the Half Life 2 Alpha. The gameplay was so different to the first, it would have sucked. Mate, listen. I know by this point you're itching to get onto the next commentary bubble. Don't worry, it's only Marc Laidlaw, you're not missing anything. All you need to know is this section is cool, and we arrived at this conclusion because a whole bunch of people playtested until they found it fun to play."

Literally how goddamn long those commentary bubbles talk for. Seriously.

… The engine was refilled, and the control panel lit up. "Wow," said Barney, "I have never seen a bigger red button in my life. Should we press it?" "Dude," said Chell, "I spent hours underground doing nothing but pressing big red buttons, no matter what the consequence is. In fact, it's impossible to do anything else in this room other than push the button and throw computer cases and books around the room while the Bird-Person ignores that doing that is really strange behaviour to be doing." Barney went up to the button and pressed it. It didn't work. "It looks like there are two buttons that have to be simultaneously pressed," said the Bird-Person. "That's a pretty arbitrary way of encouraging co-operation". Chell and Barney pressed the two buttons at the same time, and then the Borealis teleported somewhere, as a cliffhanger.


	5. Chapter 5: HL3 Middle1, OF2 Middle1

P3 Mid1, OF2 Mid1

**Author's Note: I just realized the Chapter titles shown on the chapter select scroll-down bar thing don't match up with the ones shown at the beginning of chapters. This is due to IGNORANCE and WICKED MAD EDITING SKILLZ (wherein "Wicked" and "Mad" are meant in a negative context). The only reason Chapter 3 is correct, is because Both the Chapter Title and the Scrolly Chapter Thing (whatever it's called. Drop-down Chapter Select thing maybe?) are both wrong. While "Portal" and "Half-Life" generally refer to Chell and Gordon respectfully, the change in gameplay means Half Life refers to Chell now, and Portal refers to Gordon. **

**This is clearly the kind of bullshit you're worrying about, and not whether it's a good fic to read or not. Clearly. **

GLaDOS was completely, utterly and entirely wrong. After stepping out of the glass tubes, Gordon managed to explain calmly and rationally about what happened at Black Mesa, and Adrian reasonably decided , and then they started getting along famously, bonding over the equally terrible bossfights they had to endure. "…my pit worm bossfight was exactly like yours," said Adrian, "except smaller, and more boring to kill. Ugh, so lame". "Guess what… you know Breen?" asked Gordon rhetorically "He didn't even put up a fight! All I had to do was shoot energy balls at him until he died! Sure there were gunships shooting me, but that doesn't even count! I was hoping for something big and cool." "Huh. You know what's big and uncool?" asked Adrian "The Gene Worm. It doesn't even do shit, you just shoot its eyes while it spawns in some enemies. What the fuck is up with that? That's _dumb_ and _boring_ is what it is". "The Nihilanth, right; you can't kill him. Not until you break two really inconspicuous pieces of crystal you find practically everywhere on the planet, and then you just have to shoot him for 2 hours with whatever little ammunition you've managed to keep. That's not gameplay, that's a _chore_ and a stupid way to add difficulty to a final boss". They talked about common interests for hours while solving tests.

After a withering, degrading comment by GLaDOS, better mentioned in passing than written, because I can't do her dialogue well, they entered the next test chamber. It was this one: ("Ch1z1ta's Fun Test for Cool People". Apparently ff dot net doesn't allow links. Which is for the better I suppose) which I hope you'll play, because if I'm lucky, I'll appear on the front page of the Steam Workshop with 5 stars. You won't get a feel for how awesome this chamber is until you play it, so seriously, do that. I mean like, you'll be like "wow. I did not regret playing that. That was so awesome".

They solved the laser puzzle, which is really ingenuous and mate, you'll love it so much, seriously. Suddenly, a huge metal thing and the chamber was ripped open, revealing a catwalk below the rift. GLaDOS, upon the rift's reveal, forbade them from entering, but did nothing to stop them, even if they were to wait around for 5 minutes, because the game is linear and based on scripted events. Once all of her voice cues ended, Gordon and Adrian escaped and jumped onto the catwalk. Uptempo music blared as they ran along a catwalk. And ran. And ran. And ran. For ten minutes straight. And occasionally, they had to stop and shoot a portal to get somewhere, then continue running. And running. And running. "Hey Gordon," shouted Adrian, as they continued running "when are we going to stop running and do a fun puzzle?" "A fun puzzle?" he replied "Man, I don't think this is built to be one; it's more like it was built to run along a catwalk with minor obstacles in the way for ages! It's as if this place's designers forgot to put puzzles at all into it, and it was made instead for walking on pipes, and portalling to catwalks you can't reach!" "Don't worry!" said Shephard jokingly "I'm sure there'll be a _conveyor belt_ to break the pace!" They both laughed. Then they gagged, as soon as they turned the corner to find yet another conveyor belt. "Oh come _ON." _Adrian shouted. They paused for a little. They realised GLaDOS hadn't said anything for ages. They then sighed, because they missed her constant spiteful interaction that made the first game's Behind The Scenes levels so fun. It could have been worse, though. They could have had Wheatley "Smelly Humans" Pendleton gibbering away while they walked for hours through unintuitive gameplay and poor use of the physics engine.

Then suddenly 2 guys walked down the corridor at them. They were… **Doug Rattmann and Human!Wheatley OH MY GODDDDDD! **Except Gordon and Adrian didn't know who they were, so they didn't make as big a fuss about it as I just did. Then the reading audience doesn't laugh at the joke cause I already made it before.

"Who are you?" enquired Gordon. "I'm Dr. Doug Rattmann," Said Doug "and this is Human!Wheatley. He just so happens to look exactly like Stephen Merchant". "Yes," said Human! Wheatley, nodding enthusiastically, "yes I do". "Oh, so we're just rolling with this headcanon shit now?" asked Shephard, facetiously. "Well, as a matter of fact…" said Rattmann, pulling out a list "Chell is actually Caroline's daughter, and is actually fat, but delusional about it". Adrian gagged, and mimed puking over the rail of the catwalk. "Let me see that!" said Human!Wheatley, grabbing the list. "Okay, let's see… all core personalities are uploaded from humans, and core personalities can be uploaded back into humans- which applies to me! (Don't ask _how_ I got back to Earth. I'm sure some fanfiction writer will figure out some contrived way of explaining how, just so it reopens the chances of Chelley shipping). Oh, here's two about you Gordon!" Freeman braced himself. "Okay, number one is… you're not actually a scientist, explaining why you can use guns well." Gordon mimed puking too. "And the other one is… oh, trust me, you're gonna like this one- Gordon Freeman is actually the GMan, who used time travel. That one's funny, eh?" Gordon went into a convulsive fit of rage, because out of all the shitty theories in the Half-Life fandom- that one is absolutely the worst one, ever, hands down, because it sucks and is really dumb and crappy and would just be the shittiest plot twist ever.

After gauging the reactions of Adrian and Gordon; Rattmann and Human!Wheatley started laughing uncontrollably. "Hahaaa! You should have seen the looks on your faces!" cried Human!Wheatley "We were actually just making that bullshit up!" "He's not even Human!Wheatley!" choked Doug, through bouts of laughter, "man that is just SO dumb and contrived in every possible way!"

It turned out that Human!Wheatley was _actually_ Stephen Merchant, co-producer of the award winning tv series The Office.

What the fuck am I writing here?

No, seriously, what the fuck is the point of this whole scene? I mean like, aside from Human!Wheatley bashing, it's only other purpose was to make fun of people theorising about future games in the Half-Life Canon, even though this is from a hypocritical standpoint as the entire fic is a theorisation of future games in the Half Life Canon.

God, I really do suck at writing these Aperture chapters. The first one was like, no funny jokes whatsoever, then this is chapter not so much a story, as it is a "Tumblr-user-whining-about-the-fandom-for-not-envisaging-the-story-the-way-they-do". Also blatant custom-test-chamber whoring.

Let's just switch back to Chell and Adrian, since their chapters aren't complete donkey balls, and actually have plot progression.


End file.
